Attack of the Mush: On Healing

Almost a month after, I’m still incapacitated. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from all the things that had happened to me in the past couple of months it is that NO ONE is ready for heartache.

For almost 3 years, I’ve prayed, wished, and hope of finding my one true love. And now, I begin to question if it does even exist. Are the stories for happy-ever-after only experienced by the lucky few --- the VERY lucky few? Am I never going to be one of them? Yes, you might say that it’s very early for me to give up on love. But what if, love has given up on you? Is it even worth waiting for? Is the pain of heartache worth the happiness and joy of finding love? I really don’t know.

To be quite honest, I am still very much in love with ze ex. But right now, there is very little, if not none at all, chance for us to get back together. And so, today when I woke up I decided to let go. He has found another and I… I will be slowly picking up the pieces of my broken self. I cannot promise not to love again --- for I am only human after all, but I can promise not to fall too fast, too soon. I’m sure you know how difficult that is but if I don’t start now, I might lose myself.

Though I am still hurting, I am in the process of healing. And that’s always a good thing. Rising up from each fall is, after all, a choice. And today, I choose to stand up and fight, with or without another to help me. Today, I will love you a little less and want myself a little more. Today, I will long for you a little less and think of myself a little more. I will carry your memories but only to serve as lessons for the mistake of loving you too much.

I loved and lost. There’s really all there is to it.

My forever wasn’t with you. But for whomever it is with, I do hope you’re worth the wait.




Love letters and idealisms by Noel Abelardo

Attack of the Mush: Until the Last Shoe Drops

I sat there listening intently to every sound. Half-awake I tried and make sense of what you were saying. It was only a few hours ago when you were hugging me and kissing me, tearfully saying that you love me. It was only a few hours ago that leaving was not an option. It was past one o’clock when you decided to let me go. It was then, my heart stopped beating. It was then I knew I had to go.

Everything was perfect before that night. I was right where I belong. Until I knew the truth, the truth that you can’t fight for me. It wasn’t an option. Your love, OUR love couldn’t conquer it all. But you were what I hoped for. It was you that I loved. It was you that made me happy. I asked for you --- wished, hoped and prayed for you. I wasn’t ready to get my heart broken so early. I was still content loving you. But it had to end.

I remember hearing the words.
I remember wiping the tears.
I remember feeling the pain.
I remember wanting my heart to stop beating.

I remember but wanted to forget.

So let me say my goodbye if only to force my world to start turning once again. Let me NOT ask, hope, wish and pray for you to return. I don’t want empty dreams --- like promises written on the sand. I can’t wait forever --- since it may never come. Don’t say you miss me and do nothing. Don’t say you’re lonely when you’re surrounded by people you can’t let go. Don’t say when you’re ready to come back, you will because we both know you can’t. Don’t love me anymore because it will never be enough. I will never be enough.

Let me pretend to be strong now. Let me at least try...

For now.

Love Letters and Idealisms by Noel Abelardo